Post by flatulatingmarmoset on Jan 18, 2008 15:32:54 GMT -5
ATOMIC AGE REPORT
With commissioner Dale Swan Jr.
November 2007
Hello, everyone. The year is winding down. I have said that I was going to leave my post, in a few previous bulletins. Then, I told an IWA official that I would stay until February, however, a new commissioner hopeful stepped forward. Instead of being patient and respectful until I finished adding up old point totals and whatnot, this person went ahead and did a report that will probably appear in this cycle’s bulletin. They are upset, because they probably slammed me and members of my family, but at my request it was blotted out, I hope. It is only fair. When I mentioned this person in a previous report in 2006, it was blacked out with a marker. The difference is, I am myself, and this commissioner, like many others hides behind a personality or a character. The talking head will arrogantly brag about how the IWA begged him to take the post, although I gave it to him…reluctantly. I only stayed on for another year because I wanted someone else not affiliated with him who understands that this is only a game, and will not say rude things about me, or my wife (who hasn’t even been playing the game in recent months). The AAL is just a league, like any other. No one cried for the CVL when it closed after 10 years. In fact, managers wrote in to tell them to pull the plug, me included. This was before I even heard of the internet. Being a commissioner is not a “job”. It is voluntary. We do not get paid for it. There is no right or wrong way to do it. How someone is doing is a matter of opinion. Opinions can be right or wrong, but in the end not matter to everyone. The IWA is a game. Everything is imaginary. People who can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality should not be playing the game. People who try to make it personal shouldn’t be doing so. I am going to stick around until I wind up point totals. After I finish, probably within the next three cycles, I will leave. That is right. If I do not entirely retire from the IWA, I will “Step down” and appoint a personality that the other commissioner can trash all he wants. I proposed the idea last year of a two commish, Raw vs. Smackdown-style show, but this person wasn’t willing to cooperate.
Failure?:
My tenure, beginning in Winter 2004 was not a complete failure. In November of that year, we had 64 cards. I created the AAL Hall of Fame. Good idea. I created the King of the AAL (originally a tournament). Good idea. I had two Rage in the Cage ppvs, both an innovative and original idea I first came up with in the original Battling Titans League. I had one tag team battle royal and another that unfortunately was not finished. It was a decent concept, borrowed from the WWF in the early 90s. I created the OPW, an Ohio-based regional promotion within the AAL to help struggling wrestlers gain notoriety and confidence. Good idea. Yes, the WWE has OVW. Still it spurred creativity in my reports when I had time to use it. I had point systems going for stable and wrestler of the year. Most do. I used several commissioner report titles and distributed imaginary money for winners, like many do. I had a tv show called Ground Zero, which had a champion and was ready to rival the newcomer’s show. That cycle, we had 62 cards. The next cycle, the other guy was gone. I have been coming up with good things that he and his cronies have not been willing to play along with. I even tried to feud with his version of Stone-Cold Steve Austin. He wasn’t willing to play along. Many of us are aged 18-45, but many act like grade-schoolers when it comes to sharing and playing nice. Also, I used a non-affiliated message board to try and drum up interest. I introduced the inter-league Cabo San Lucas Beach Rumble. No one was interested or listened. Then there was the Danny Robinson Memorial Bluegrass Brawl, which I never got off the ground. That one was my fault.
Other notes:
I have gathered bulletins from the past two years and will attempt to tie up loose ends and add up point totals to determine who wins what. I was inactive last cycle, because I missed the deadline. Otherwise, there would have been more than 12 cards. Klytus and I have been each taking the match deal to keep this league open. Maybe since this other person brought his friends and they are going to stay, we won’t have to continuously spend money doing that. The blame for low activity can not always be blamed on the commissioner. The ANV and LG retired, taking away a big chunk of activity. Since then, people have come and gone like travelers at the bus station, including the SCA/NME/PWO. There have been instances of large stables, silent in the trash talk section, flooding the league and taking titles. That happens in other leagues, usually killing them. I have been in other leagues with NO commissioner that have survived. One had been vacant in the commish spot for nearly 2 years, but floated along. You can’t always blame the commissioner. People have to be willing to play.
On to November:
Rankings
November- 2007
Top Ten
1. Gregg
2. Jeremy Grey
3. Thunder Warrior
4. Manitou
5. John Beckwith
6. Shawn Foreman
7. Sam Bass
8. Mike Martinez
9. Dragon Tzu
10. Mastermind of All Time
Tag Teams
1. Wedding Crashers
2. Dark Magician & Joey
3. Joey Legend & Mike Martinez
4. Precious Moments Executioner & Professor Chaos
5. K-Digga & the Z Man
Six Man
1. Steve Austin, Sam Bass, & Mastermind
2. Milton, Peter Gibbons & Bill Lumbergh
3. Lovely Sheep, Pat Burrell, & Mike Schmidt
North American
C- Thunder Warrior
1. Manitou
2. Shawn Foreman
3. Sam Bass
I did not get the commissioner’s choice match in last cycle, so Manitou didn’t get his shot.
Hardcore
Champ- Cougar
1. Manitou
2. Dragon Tzu
The Hardcore title is up for grabs and can be taken by anyone. It is not a commissioner’s choice title.
Point totals updates:
I have gathered all the necessary bulletins and in due time, I will begin to put an end to all the wonder, as if there is any, ha! I will tie this up. If I stay on in some capacity, I will leave it up to the other guy to do the points for 2008.
AAL King of the Ring History:
Winners:
2004- Dave “Skull” Duggery
2005- Fuel
2006- The Guy with a Spittoon for a Head
2007- Evil Eric Cartman
AAL Hall of Fame- Past inductees, in no particular order:
Johnny Reb, Chuck Savage, Looney Mooney, Venom, The Hunter, The Mail Man, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Excalibur, CJ Lane, Fuel, Cam, Playboy Pat Burrell, The Atomic Bomber, The Atomic Destroyer, Dragon Tzu, Manitou, Cougar, Thunder Warrior, Bobby Zamudio, Rigo Zamudio, Tyllo Zamudio
I think there is an LG member whose name I forgot. If anyone has any past bulletins and there are inductees I missed, please let me know.
Current nominees:
Maniac Mike Schmidt
Robert J. Smiley
Buff Stuff CJ Frank
HB Kid
I may announce them next time, as the deadline is approaching and one is on the bubble and another appears to be out. I can tell you there is one unanimous entry. I will not say which one.
Longest reign of any title during my 4 years:
4 cycles: Stone Cold Steve Austin- central title; “Secretly Intoxicated Guy” Ed Shears -central title; Killer Kyle Broslovski- central title; Thunder Warrior- northern title
As you can see, the central title is a coveted title.
K-Digga & the Z Man had the tag titles for 3 cycles this year. I will have to dig through storage to see, but I think that may have tied a record. I know there was a six or tv six man that long or longer by someone.
There you have it. The main reasons I have had a lot of last-minute reports slapped together and squeezed in is because of deaths in the wife’s family, illnesses in mine, problems at work, both of us working around each other’s schedule, no babysitter for our infant-now toddler-, Christmas and other holidays….etc. That’s it. It’s called life. The other guy says he is always able to do his IWA and also has a wife and kid. Well, chief, want to trade lives? I bet you get to catch the game on tv and whatnot. Guess what? I don’t have time to read a book. It’s been 4 years. I don’t watch tv. I gave up on baseball and hockey. I tried to catch some basketball, but it hasn’t worked. I’ve missed the last 3 NBA finals, 2 entirely. I never see college football anymore. I saw bits and pieces of a few games this year. I haven’t seen any bowl games yet this year. NFL? I don’t see that. On the rare instances the Steelers have been on tv here, I haven’t seen them. Playoffs? Ha! I’ve been here for 4 years…. Seen parts of some of the Super bowls. I had an employer drop me once because I asked for that day off. He lied to me on the phone and told me something else. TV? I haven’t seen Lost since the first season. Missed the last Survivor entirely. Saw CSI once this year for the first time since the Frank Gorshin episode. I saw a few episodes of ER. No, I don’t really watch tv. I don’t listen to the radio, other than what I am forced to at work. I have over 400 cds, records and tapes. Most I haven’t listened to in 4 years. Some are back home with my parents. Talking to my family on the phone has been sparingly… almost not at all. I don’t have time to write anyone letters. We haven’t sent Christmas cards out in 3 years. I have dogs that sometimes go up to 3 days without eating and I have to sometimes buy emergency balogna or hot dogs to throw at them. Free time? I don’t know where any of you guys are finding it, if you have a family to take care of and work. It was easy when I was young and single. On top of that, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for over 20 years, and also have OCDs and paranoia. I hope none of this report is edited, because it was honest, to the point, and not mean-spirited or attacking anyone. That is all I have to say.
Now, without further ado….
AAL Ground Zero
(An ominous monotone sound is heard, before and explosion sound gives way to a metal guitar riff and a mushroom cloud graphic appears on the screen, giving way to the AAL logo. The crowd is abuzz with excitement. “How Do You Like Me Now?” by Toby Keith kicks in and Commissioner Swan comes down the aisle, shaking hands with fans, before entering the ring and raising a fist. He lowers it and a pyrotechnics explosion occurs on the ring posts as the crowd goes nuts.)
Swan: “Ladies and gentlemen, Ground Zero is back!” (The crowd roars.) “That’s right. We were almost relegated to low frequency station 61, aka Great American Television Connection, which runs in parts of Vermont, Montreal, and upstate NY… It’s not seen in very many households. The GATC TV title would have been our new main belt. Worldwide was on so late… around 3 am on like ESPN 5.2. Now we are back. We were given a new contract for Ground Zero, with a new tv deal. You see, since I said I would step down, another has come forward. I suspect it’s going to be John Henry Edward again, whatever his name was…. If not, another backed by the former PWO leader. Which brings me to some important news. I am going to leave my post after the year, but the year is not over and I have found my replacement. This will be a two show league. First, the co-commissioner:”
“Der Kommisar” by After the Fire plays as a bald man in a German Army Officer’s uniform comes down the aisle. He enters the ring and clicks his heels together, before saluting the audience.
New Commish: “Guten tag. Ich bin Herr Schmidt. I will be new commissioner of AAL Ground Zero.”
Swan: “Thank you, Herr Schmidt. Mr. Scmhidt has competed for WWE in dark matches this year and was a well known competitor in Europe for 17 years. Now introducing my new GM of Ground Zero. He is 41 years old, 6’2” 275 lbs. He is from Tampa, Fl., but originally from an undisclosed country in Central America. He is a former international competitor kick boxing, judo, Greco-Roman wrestling, and rugby. His college’s football coach wanted him to be a linebacker, but he declined, calling American football a sissy sport with padding.” (mixed crowd reaction.) “I give you the new GM of Ground Zero, R. W. Hernandez!” (Fog rolls in and a man with shoulder length brown hair and a beard appears on the ramp. He is wearing a grey suit. It’s Hernandez. He saunters to the ring, nodding at a few fans, before entering and taking the mic.)
Hernandez: “Buenas dias. I am Ricardo Winston Hernandez. I prefer R.W. I am honored to be the new GM of Ground Zero and I promise to be fair, for those who deserve it. Now that I am here, I would like to talk to the other commissioner that is coming into the AAL. I want to do a draft. What is your answer? Senor Schmidt is here to keep order and dish out awards, but I am here to run his tv show. If we do a draft, try to keep an even number from each stable on our shows. I was going to come earlier in the year, but the soon-to-be former commish was having issues and not able to keep up and make deadlines. I have a contest called the Hot 5 which I will introduce. The Hot 5 is for the 5 wrestlers who have been on the title page the most consecutive times. Whoever wins the points at the end of the year snags $50,000. That’s the short end of it. Good luck.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Swan: “Ok. Herr Schmidt is my successor and R.W. Hernandez is my new GM. There you have it. Now enjoy the matches.” (“How Do You Like Me Now?” by Toby Keith kicks in and the crowd goes nuts. The three shake hands before leaving the ring and walking up the aisle. The show cuts to commercial.)
(After the matches are done, a familiar face is seen backstage. The towering, bespectacled Dave Patrick, holding a mic, looking for someone to interview.)
DP: “It’s great to be back, ladies and gentlemen. I quit and was calling Women’s college LaCrosse and Field Hockey since I left…. Also some curling events in Canada. Needless to say, it was boring. I’m happy to see this league coming back to its glory. It’s great to hear Harry McKinely and Michael Dunn at the broadcast table. I miss my old buddy Ken Derekson. Unfortunately, he has been recently diagnosed with liver cancer. They say he has a fighting chance. Should the OPW return, I would call the action with every ounce of energy in my body as tribute to him. I have been mingling with the fans back here, looking for someone to interview. I see Bob “The Blob” Sanderson across the room, trying to talk to some LPPF men. It looks like they gave him the brush off. Oh no, here come Buttered Roll.”
Roll: “Dave! My old pal! Wanna chat?” (He tries to hit Dave in the gut, but the announcer blocks it and bops Roll on the head with the mic. The fans laugh.)
DP: “Phil, I’m not here to fight.”
Roll: “It’s Buttered Roll to you, and don’t ever hit me again.”
DP: “Hey, you started it. I’m here to do interviews. So, do you really believe you will ever be taken seriously?”
Roll: “Do you? What about you and those big goofy glasses?”
DP: “Many say that regional title a while back was a fluke from the battle royal.”
Roll: “Who? PAIN? Hey, I beat Dragon Tzu.”
DP: “With the aid of a rolling pin.”
Roll: “You mean this one?” (He pulls the pin from his costume and hits Dave in the mid-section.)
DP: “OOF!” (He doubles over, then Roll swings at Dave’s head. Dave steps aside then swings at Roll with the microphone. Roll runs away.) “Mmmkay.”
(Credits and fade to black.)
Commissioner’s Choice Match: Thunder Warrior defends the North American title against Manitou.
Ground Zero title update: I will award the title to the winner of the battle royal.
The champs from the two shows will battle for the AAL World title, or another to be named later.
Sunday Night Slam
HM: “Harry Mckinely here calling tonight’s action. There are a plethora of great matches on the card, including the main event here in Staten Island, LPPF’s Gregg defends the AAL title against veteran Jerky John Musacha. I am joined by my partner Dave Patrick.”
DP: “Harry, thanks for joining me. I’m glad they got a veteran commentator to fill Ken Derekson’s shoes.”
(The opening bout featured Cougar and Thunder Warrior, but ended in a double disqualification. Here’s some highlights.)
HM: “Buttered Roll and Can O’ Beets have just climbed out of the audience.”
DP: “I have issues with those guys.”
HM: “It looks to me like an unprovoked attack! Roll rolls in, no pun intended. He belts Cougar with the rolling pin!”
DP: “That seems very familiar to me. I’m glad I’m not on the receiving end.”
HM: “Can O’ Beets enters! The ref calls for the bell Beets nails Thunder Warrior with a chair!… and the ref! This is mayhem, folks. What are they doing? Beets smears a pickled beet across Thunder Warrior’s mouth. This is sick. Now they are stomping the referee. Come on!”
(The rest of PAIN storms the ring and chases the cartoonish villains off.)
DP: “At least the legendary stable put a stop to this, but I think it should be a no contest. The ref made an error in judgement.”
HM: “Well,… he’s new…. Back after this folks.”
(The rest of the card goes off without a hitch. After the main event, Exploding Potato was seen backstage. The camera followed him to the heel locker room.)
HM: “What is he doing?”
Potato: “Surprise!!!!” (He pulls his rip chord and potatoes explode all over the LPPF lockers.)
HM: “What was the point of that? I thought they were all on the same side.”
DP: “Maybe just a harmless practical joke.”
(Potato writes ‘Happy New Year’ in the potatoes.)
(Fade to black.)
Monetary awards:
Thunder Warrior has been northern champ for 4 cycles. I think that says something about his skill. He wins $25,000. The other $25,000 goes to LPPF: Gregg for winning League.
As far as leading candidates for 2007 year end awards, The Wedding Crashers might be tops in tag team and Eric Cartman was leading in singles. That may change by years end.
Welcome LPPF. I don’t know if any of the same managers are there, but with you here and allegedly all taking the match deal, that means I won’t have to continue to waste money to keep this league open. Time to do minimum and save.
Ok, I saw the Va. - Texas Tech and flipped to some of Michigan vs. Florida (in between my son leading me away to play with his Thomas trains), but missed the Rose Bowl because we went out of town. So there, I don’t have a lot of free time.
It has been a few days since I started this report and have been rethinking the personality I chose to replace me. People will say that I took the idea from Mike Schmidt. So, next cycle, I will pink-slip him and bring in one of my former announcers.
I may slap together a ppv of some sorts, next cycle using common opponents as my basis for results. Stay tuned.
I leave you with the list of farewells. If there is anyone I missed in the IWA or anyone else, please let me know.
-Swan
In memoriam 2007:
Flash Barker, Cowboy Lang, Cocoa Samoa, Bam Bam Bigelow, Bob Luce, Mike Awesome, Ray Stern, Badnews Brown, Black Shadow, Ernie Ladd, Arnold Skaaland, Angel Azteca, Abe Coleman, Sonny Myers, Sandy Barr, Sensational Sherri, Boogie Woogie Brown, Biff Wellington, Woman, Chris Benoit, Moondog Nathan, Devil Bhudakhan, John Kronus, Eugene Stezycki, Ronnie P. Gossett, Tor Kamata, Karl Gotch, Scotty Williams, Bronko Lubich, Crush, Dewey Robertson/Missing Link, Frank Butcher, Frank Fozo, Karloff Lagarde, Billy Darnell, Enrique Torres, Sean Evans, Fabulous Moolah, Angel of Death WAYNE “BUZZSAW” MORGAN, HARRY OVERCASH
With commissioner Dale Swan Jr.
November 2007
Hello, everyone. The year is winding down. I have said that I was going to leave my post, in a few previous bulletins. Then, I told an IWA official that I would stay until February, however, a new commissioner hopeful stepped forward. Instead of being patient and respectful until I finished adding up old point totals and whatnot, this person went ahead and did a report that will probably appear in this cycle’s bulletin. They are upset, because they probably slammed me and members of my family, but at my request it was blotted out, I hope. It is only fair. When I mentioned this person in a previous report in 2006, it was blacked out with a marker. The difference is, I am myself, and this commissioner, like many others hides behind a personality or a character. The talking head will arrogantly brag about how the IWA begged him to take the post, although I gave it to him…reluctantly. I only stayed on for another year because I wanted someone else not affiliated with him who understands that this is only a game, and will not say rude things about me, or my wife (who hasn’t even been playing the game in recent months). The AAL is just a league, like any other. No one cried for the CVL when it closed after 10 years. In fact, managers wrote in to tell them to pull the plug, me included. This was before I even heard of the internet. Being a commissioner is not a “job”. It is voluntary. We do not get paid for it. There is no right or wrong way to do it. How someone is doing is a matter of opinion. Opinions can be right or wrong, but in the end not matter to everyone. The IWA is a game. Everything is imaginary. People who can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality should not be playing the game. People who try to make it personal shouldn’t be doing so. I am going to stick around until I wind up point totals. After I finish, probably within the next three cycles, I will leave. That is right. If I do not entirely retire from the IWA, I will “Step down” and appoint a personality that the other commissioner can trash all he wants. I proposed the idea last year of a two commish, Raw vs. Smackdown-style show, but this person wasn’t willing to cooperate.
Failure?:
My tenure, beginning in Winter 2004 was not a complete failure. In November of that year, we had 64 cards. I created the AAL Hall of Fame. Good idea. I created the King of the AAL (originally a tournament). Good idea. I had two Rage in the Cage ppvs, both an innovative and original idea I first came up with in the original Battling Titans League. I had one tag team battle royal and another that unfortunately was not finished. It was a decent concept, borrowed from the WWF in the early 90s. I created the OPW, an Ohio-based regional promotion within the AAL to help struggling wrestlers gain notoriety and confidence. Good idea. Yes, the WWE has OVW. Still it spurred creativity in my reports when I had time to use it. I had point systems going for stable and wrestler of the year. Most do. I used several commissioner report titles and distributed imaginary money for winners, like many do. I had a tv show called Ground Zero, which had a champion and was ready to rival the newcomer’s show. That cycle, we had 62 cards. The next cycle, the other guy was gone. I have been coming up with good things that he and his cronies have not been willing to play along with. I even tried to feud with his version of Stone-Cold Steve Austin. He wasn’t willing to play along. Many of us are aged 18-45, but many act like grade-schoolers when it comes to sharing and playing nice. Also, I used a non-affiliated message board to try and drum up interest. I introduced the inter-league Cabo San Lucas Beach Rumble. No one was interested or listened. Then there was the Danny Robinson Memorial Bluegrass Brawl, which I never got off the ground. That one was my fault.
Other notes:
I have gathered bulletins from the past two years and will attempt to tie up loose ends and add up point totals to determine who wins what. I was inactive last cycle, because I missed the deadline. Otherwise, there would have been more than 12 cards. Klytus and I have been each taking the match deal to keep this league open. Maybe since this other person brought his friends and they are going to stay, we won’t have to continuously spend money doing that. The blame for low activity can not always be blamed on the commissioner. The ANV and LG retired, taking away a big chunk of activity. Since then, people have come and gone like travelers at the bus station, including the SCA/NME/PWO. There have been instances of large stables, silent in the trash talk section, flooding the league and taking titles. That happens in other leagues, usually killing them. I have been in other leagues with NO commissioner that have survived. One had been vacant in the commish spot for nearly 2 years, but floated along. You can’t always blame the commissioner. People have to be willing to play.
On to November:
Rankings
November- 2007
Top Ten
1. Gregg
2. Jeremy Grey
3. Thunder Warrior
4. Manitou
5. John Beckwith
6. Shawn Foreman
7. Sam Bass
8. Mike Martinez
9. Dragon Tzu
10. Mastermind of All Time
Tag Teams
1. Wedding Crashers
2. Dark Magician & Joey
3. Joey Legend & Mike Martinez
4. Precious Moments Executioner & Professor Chaos
5. K-Digga & the Z Man
Six Man
1. Steve Austin, Sam Bass, & Mastermind
2. Milton, Peter Gibbons & Bill Lumbergh
3. Lovely Sheep, Pat Burrell, & Mike Schmidt
North American
C- Thunder Warrior
1. Manitou
2. Shawn Foreman
3. Sam Bass
I did not get the commissioner’s choice match in last cycle, so Manitou didn’t get his shot.
Hardcore
Champ- Cougar
1. Manitou
2. Dragon Tzu
The Hardcore title is up for grabs and can be taken by anyone. It is not a commissioner’s choice title.
Point totals updates:
I have gathered all the necessary bulletins and in due time, I will begin to put an end to all the wonder, as if there is any, ha! I will tie this up. If I stay on in some capacity, I will leave it up to the other guy to do the points for 2008.
AAL King of the Ring History:
Winners:
2004- Dave “Skull” Duggery
2005- Fuel
2006- The Guy with a Spittoon for a Head
2007- Evil Eric Cartman
AAL Hall of Fame- Past inductees, in no particular order:
Johnny Reb, Chuck Savage, Looney Mooney, Venom, The Hunter, The Mail Man, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Excalibur, CJ Lane, Fuel, Cam, Playboy Pat Burrell, The Atomic Bomber, The Atomic Destroyer, Dragon Tzu, Manitou, Cougar, Thunder Warrior, Bobby Zamudio, Rigo Zamudio, Tyllo Zamudio
I think there is an LG member whose name I forgot. If anyone has any past bulletins and there are inductees I missed, please let me know.
Current nominees:
Maniac Mike Schmidt
Robert J. Smiley
Buff Stuff CJ Frank
HB Kid
I may announce them next time, as the deadline is approaching and one is on the bubble and another appears to be out. I can tell you there is one unanimous entry. I will not say which one.
Longest reign of any title during my 4 years:
4 cycles: Stone Cold Steve Austin- central title; “Secretly Intoxicated Guy” Ed Shears -central title; Killer Kyle Broslovski- central title; Thunder Warrior- northern title
As you can see, the central title is a coveted title.
K-Digga & the Z Man had the tag titles for 3 cycles this year. I will have to dig through storage to see, but I think that may have tied a record. I know there was a six or tv six man that long or longer by someone.
There you have it. The main reasons I have had a lot of last-minute reports slapped together and squeezed in is because of deaths in the wife’s family, illnesses in mine, problems at work, both of us working around each other’s schedule, no babysitter for our infant-now toddler-, Christmas and other holidays….etc. That’s it. It’s called life. The other guy says he is always able to do his IWA and also has a wife and kid. Well, chief, want to trade lives? I bet you get to catch the game on tv and whatnot. Guess what? I don’t have time to read a book. It’s been 4 years. I don’t watch tv. I gave up on baseball and hockey. I tried to catch some basketball, but it hasn’t worked. I’ve missed the last 3 NBA finals, 2 entirely. I never see college football anymore. I saw bits and pieces of a few games this year. I haven’t seen any bowl games yet this year. NFL? I don’t see that. On the rare instances the Steelers have been on tv here, I haven’t seen them. Playoffs? Ha! I’ve been here for 4 years…. Seen parts of some of the Super bowls. I had an employer drop me once because I asked for that day off. He lied to me on the phone and told me something else. TV? I haven’t seen Lost since the first season. Missed the last Survivor entirely. Saw CSI once this year for the first time since the Frank Gorshin episode. I saw a few episodes of ER. No, I don’t really watch tv. I don’t listen to the radio, other than what I am forced to at work. I have over 400 cds, records and tapes. Most I haven’t listened to in 4 years. Some are back home with my parents. Talking to my family on the phone has been sparingly… almost not at all. I don’t have time to write anyone letters. We haven’t sent Christmas cards out in 3 years. I have dogs that sometimes go up to 3 days without eating and I have to sometimes buy emergency balogna or hot dogs to throw at them. Free time? I don’t know where any of you guys are finding it, if you have a family to take care of and work. It was easy when I was young and single. On top of that, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for over 20 years, and also have OCDs and paranoia. I hope none of this report is edited, because it was honest, to the point, and not mean-spirited or attacking anyone. That is all I have to say.
Now, without further ado….
AAL Ground Zero
(An ominous monotone sound is heard, before and explosion sound gives way to a metal guitar riff and a mushroom cloud graphic appears on the screen, giving way to the AAL logo. The crowd is abuzz with excitement. “How Do You Like Me Now?” by Toby Keith kicks in and Commissioner Swan comes down the aisle, shaking hands with fans, before entering the ring and raising a fist. He lowers it and a pyrotechnics explosion occurs on the ring posts as the crowd goes nuts.)
Swan: “Ladies and gentlemen, Ground Zero is back!” (The crowd roars.) “That’s right. We were almost relegated to low frequency station 61, aka Great American Television Connection, which runs in parts of Vermont, Montreal, and upstate NY… It’s not seen in very many households. The GATC TV title would have been our new main belt. Worldwide was on so late… around 3 am on like ESPN 5.2. Now we are back. We were given a new contract for Ground Zero, with a new tv deal. You see, since I said I would step down, another has come forward. I suspect it’s going to be John Henry Edward again, whatever his name was…. If not, another backed by the former PWO leader. Which brings me to some important news. I am going to leave my post after the year, but the year is not over and I have found my replacement. This will be a two show league. First, the co-commissioner:”
“Der Kommisar” by After the Fire plays as a bald man in a German Army Officer’s uniform comes down the aisle. He enters the ring and clicks his heels together, before saluting the audience.
New Commish: “Guten tag. Ich bin Herr Schmidt. I will be new commissioner of AAL Ground Zero.”
Swan: “Thank you, Herr Schmidt. Mr. Scmhidt has competed for WWE in dark matches this year and was a well known competitor in Europe for 17 years. Now introducing my new GM of Ground Zero. He is 41 years old, 6’2” 275 lbs. He is from Tampa, Fl., but originally from an undisclosed country in Central America. He is a former international competitor kick boxing, judo, Greco-Roman wrestling, and rugby. His college’s football coach wanted him to be a linebacker, but he declined, calling American football a sissy sport with padding.” (mixed crowd reaction.) “I give you the new GM of Ground Zero, R. W. Hernandez!” (Fog rolls in and a man with shoulder length brown hair and a beard appears on the ramp. He is wearing a grey suit. It’s Hernandez. He saunters to the ring, nodding at a few fans, before entering and taking the mic.)
Hernandez: “Buenas dias. I am Ricardo Winston Hernandez. I prefer R.W. I am honored to be the new GM of Ground Zero and I promise to be fair, for those who deserve it. Now that I am here, I would like to talk to the other commissioner that is coming into the AAL. I want to do a draft. What is your answer? Senor Schmidt is here to keep order and dish out awards, but I am here to run his tv show. If we do a draft, try to keep an even number from each stable on our shows. I was going to come earlier in the year, but the soon-to-be former commish was having issues and not able to keep up and make deadlines. I have a contest called the Hot 5 which I will introduce. The Hot 5 is for the 5 wrestlers who have been on the title page the most consecutive times. Whoever wins the points at the end of the year snags $50,000. That’s the short end of it. Good luck.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Swan: “Ok. Herr Schmidt is my successor and R.W. Hernandez is my new GM. There you have it. Now enjoy the matches.” (“How Do You Like Me Now?” by Toby Keith kicks in and the crowd goes nuts. The three shake hands before leaving the ring and walking up the aisle. The show cuts to commercial.)
(After the matches are done, a familiar face is seen backstage. The towering, bespectacled Dave Patrick, holding a mic, looking for someone to interview.)
DP: “It’s great to be back, ladies and gentlemen. I quit and was calling Women’s college LaCrosse and Field Hockey since I left…. Also some curling events in Canada. Needless to say, it was boring. I’m happy to see this league coming back to its glory. It’s great to hear Harry McKinely and Michael Dunn at the broadcast table. I miss my old buddy Ken Derekson. Unfortunately, he has been recently diagnosed with liver cancer. They say he has a fighting chance. Should the OPW return, I would call the action with every ounce of energy in my body as tribute to him. I have been mingling with the fans back here, looking for someone to interview. I see Bob “The Blob” Sanderson across the room, trying to talk to some LPPF men. It looks like they gave him the brush off. Oh no, here come Buttered Roll.”
Roll: “Dave! My old pal! Wanna chat?” (He tries to hit Dave in the gut, but the announcer blocks it and bops Roll on the head with the mic. The fans laugh.)
DP: “Phil, I’m not here to fight.”
Roll: “It’s Buttered Roll to you, and don’t ever hit me again.”
DP: “Hey, you started it. I’m here to do interviews. So, do you really believe you will ever be taken seriously?”
Roll: “Do you? What about you and those big goofy glasses?”
DP: “Many say that regional title a while back was a fluke from the battle royal.”
Roll: “Who? PAIN? Hey, I beat Dragon Tzu.”
DP: “With the aid of a rolling pin.”
Roll: “You mean this one?” (He pulls the pin from his costume and hits Dave in the mid-section.)
DP: “OOF!” (He doubles over, then Roll swings at Dave’s head. Dave steps aside then swings at Roll with the microphone. Roll runs away.) “Mmmkay.”
(Credits and fade to black.)
Commissioner’s Choice Match: Thunder Warrior defends the North American title against Manitou.
Ground Zero title update: I will award the title to the winner of the battle royal.
The champs from the two shows will battle for the AAL World title, or another to be named later.
Sunday Night Slam
HM: “Harry Mckinely here calling tonight’s action. There are a plethora of great matches on the card, including the main event here in Staten Island, LPPF’s Gregg defends the AAL title against veteran Jerky John Musacha. I am joined by my partner Dave Patrick.”
DP: “Harry, thanks for joining me. I’m glad they got a veteran commentator to fill Ken Derekson’s shoes.”
(The opening bout featured Cougar and Thunder Warrior, but ended in a double disqualification. Here’s some highlights.)
HM: “Buttered Roll and Can O’ Beets have just climbed out of the audience.”
DP: “I have issues with those guys.”
HM: “It looks to me like an unprovoked attack! Roll rolls in, no pun intended. He belts Cougar with the rolling pin!”
DP: “That seems very familiar to me. I’m glad I’m not on the receiving end.”
HM: “Can O’ Beets enters! The ref calls for the bell Beets nails Thunder Warrior with a chair!… and the ref! This is mayhem, folks. What are they doing? Beets smears a pickled beet across Thunder Warrior’s mouth. This is sick. Now they are stomping the referee. Come on!”
(The rest of PAIN storms the ring and chases the cartoonish villains off.)
DP: “At least the legendary stable put a stop to this, but I think it should be a no contest. The ref made an error in judgement.”
HM: “Well,… he’s new…. Back after this folks.”
(The rest of the card goes off without a hitch. After the main event, Exploding Potato was seen backstage. The camera followed him to the heel locker room.)
HM: “What is he doing?”
Potato: “Surprise!!!!” (He pulls his rip chord and potatoes explode all over the LPPF lockers.)
HM: “What was the point of that? I thought they were all on the same side.”
DP: “Maybe just a harmless practical joke.”
(Potato writes ‘Happy New Year’ in the potatoes.)
(Fade to black.)
Monetary awards:
Thunder Warrior has been northern champ for 4 cycles. I think that says something about his skill. He wins $25,000. The other $25,000 goes to LPPF: Gregg for winning League.
As far as leading candidates for 2007 year end awards, The Wedding Crashers might be tops in tag team and Eric Cartman was leading in singles. That may change by years end.
Welcome LPPF. I don’t know if any of the same managers are there, but with you here and allegedly all taking the match deal, that means I won’t have to continue to waste money to keep this league open. Time to do minimum and save.
Ok, I saw the Va. - Texas Tech and flipped to some of Michigan vs. Florida (in between my son leading me away to play with his Thomas trains), but missed the Rose Bowl because we went out of town. So there, I don’t have a lot of free time.
It has been a few days since I started this report and have been rethinking the personality I chose to replace me. People will say that I took the idea from Mike Schmidt. So, next cycle, I will pink-slip him and bring in one of my former announcers.
I may slap together a ppv of some sorts, next cycle using common opponents as my basis for results. Stay tuned.
I leave you with the list of farewells. If there is anyone I missed in the IWA or anyone else, please let me know.
-Swan
In memoriam 2007:
Flash Barker, Cowboy Lang, Cocoa Samoa, Bam Bam Bigelow, Bob Luce, Mike Awesome, Ray Stern, Badnews Brown, Black Shadow, Ernie Ladd, Arnold Skaaland, Angel Azteca, Abe Coleman, Sonny Myers, Sandy Barr, Sensational Sherri, Boogie Woogie Brown, Biff Wellington, Woman, Chris Benoit, Moondog Nathan, Devil Bhudakhan, John Kronus, Eugene Stezycki, Ronnie P. Gossett, Tor Kamata, Karl Gotch, Scotty Williams, Bronko Lubich, Crush, Dewey Robertson/Missing Link, Frank Butcher, Frank Fozo, Karloff Lagarde, Billy Darnell, Enrique Torres, Sean Evans, Fabulous Moolah, Angel of Death WAYNE “BUZZSAW” MORGAN, HARRY OVERCASH